Monday, September 25, 2017

How to break free of a relationship when a ageless bond has been forged

Picture created by Eve Hoffman
Not all relationships are lasting. We must learn to let go when the relationship inflicts harm.
Not all relationships are lasting. We must learn to let go when the relationship inflicts harm.

Knowing how to break free of a relationship when a ageless bond has been forged can be tricky. Sometimes freedom takes years. There are a few good signs often times leads to a end of a relationship. Even the healthiest of relationship only can take a series of tragic events. 

Some unhealthy relationship do start early. My mother's and I's relationship became toxic at a early stage of life. I knew at a very young age my mother was not a person that would be stable. I feared for the worse. As most fears, the worse grow to the heartbreak today. 

My mother has had a history of choosing men over me, including my father. Also, when times gets rough, my mother gets running. There was countless time she left me with a relative or my father to simply not deal with me when I was a child. Rumors had it she started started dumping before I could walk. The popular place to rid me according to the rumor mill was my grandmother's home. As you see there as been a years of unfortunate events that has caused harm to the relationship.

The biggest break and one we may have never overcome was when she ran and left me behind despite our plans for a man according to my father. I was nine years old. She stayed away for two years. The time I saw my mother again, I went through two years of seeing  the dark side of life. I saw people shooting up drugs and violence, such as my father beating his new girlfriends while they were naked. He beat his girlfriends until sometimes he knocked out their teeth. We had lots of traffic day and night due to the drugs my father sold. Also,  my nightmares were terrible. During this time, I developed a hate for my mother since she was not there in my time of need.  I cried for the first year in secret. Without comfort from my parents, the only thing soothed me was hate. I had two years to figure out why she broke our plans and ran off with another man according to my father. 

After that moment there was series of unfortunate events that leads us to where my mother hates me today. Now these days, I no longer hated her. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am disappointed. I am simply tired of the judgments. I am also sick of the constant need my mother has to change me. Yes, I have had to raise myself since nine years old. Yes, I may be rough around the edges. At the end of the day, I do my best with the tools my parents gifted with me early in life. Thanks for the broken tools.


Now let's look at the signs when to end an unhealthy relationship, so we know how. 

One of the big signs the relationship needs to end is feeling that your best is not good enough. Whenever I am around my mother, I never feel good enough. Her actions of trying to change me shows me my mother thinks I am not good enough. 

One example is how my mother speak to me as well reveals she thinks I am lower then the gutter. The other day when I went shopping with my mother said "oh you better go to Walmart cause you cannot afford Drug Emporium. The prices are better at Walmart". I saw how she sees my value low. Matter of fact, I shop Drug Emporium all the time. I simply wanted away from her, as well as what I really needed was at HEB. I was debating which store to go Walmart or HEB. I love bargains. 

Since I am still working my dream to earn an income I am frugal. My mother fails to realize, I rather have fun adventures with my dogs then invest into material items. Yes, I may be materiel poor. When a person takes the time, he or she will discover I have other values. 

To recovery from being in my mother's presents can take me days and even months. Not only she makes me feel terrible about myself. I am guard. This leads us to the second sign, trust. 

Now if trust is broken and years has past without improvements, the relationship is dead. My mother broke my trust countless times as a child and adult. There has been to many times she sat idol while I was harmed emotionally or physically. I try to endure the anxiety of being around her despite the gut feeling if the world was in trouble, she would run leaving me in harm.  

Once a time in history my mother was proud she could beat me physically. The funny part is now she claims to be afraid of me. I will only defend myself, my mother has nothing to fear. Of course her fears may be coming from having the desire to harm me. I notice my mother reflects her damage on me, as well how she sees herself and life. I get the feeling my mother is miserable until see someone more so then her.  

The third reason to break a relationship is unhealthy fear. The mental abuse from my mother has gone on so long now the tables are turn. She has claims to be fearful of me. What my mother does not understand is me being on guard is because of her husband always making sexual advances, while she does nothing. She once stood idol while he beat me What is it that would encourage her today to do what is right?  So. I tend to be jumpy or touchy. Not to fear dear mother, I trust living life alone with your husband with teach you the harm you placed on me. This is another reason to let the relationship end. The end of our relationship will open a space for my mother to learn her lessons and see she never had anything to fear from me. I unconditional love and accept her regardless if she does for me. The unconditional love is what feeds onto the false hope.

Plus my mother throws fits when she does not get her way. I am the opposite. I do not have the urge to control and boy my mother controls everything, or so she thinks so.

Now the fourth reason to have a relationship come to an end is unhealthy controls. My mother says " I control my husbands skirt strings" all the time. She is correct. My mother controls and pays for everything. She even tells her husband how much money he is allowed to keep in which he earned. My mother even spies on all what her husband does during the day and night, including printing out phone records. My mother's husband works and blindly listen to all my mother's demands. I can imagine she uses material items to punish or reward her husband like a monkey. My mother cut her husband's testicles off years before he lost them to cancer. So unlike me, ask my husband. I will asked of something of him, such a saving money and hope you does. Yet,  I do not control anything he does on any giving day.  

The biggest harm all my life with my mother is the constant trying to control. Control is an illusion is my motto for this reason.

Once I realized my mother bought things for me to control me, the trick did not work. My mother fails to realize even dogs cannot be control for very long with manipulation. The best things is to educated, help awareness, while allowing the person the freedom of choice.

If I agree always with my mother life is good. If I give her the illusion of control, our relationship appears to be functional from the outside. The sad truth is I die inside. I lose what I want. I lose sight of my path. I become less then. I don't see me looking back in a mirror, just the facade my mother is attempting to create. This brings me back to not feeling good enough. 

When I have to change everything I am to suite my mother controlling habits sends myself a loud message everything I every was, is, will be, or dream of are not good enough.  

Now the last reason to end a relationship when everything results back to you not feeling good enough. I once did drugs to hide from the pain my mother caused. I even once in history cut myself to avoid showing emotion. No more destructive behavior due to toxic relationships.

 Now this is how we can break away from a long and very unhealthy relationship. 

First step is to become indifferent. We must let go of any dreams or fantasies that traps into the relationship. The sad part is we must let go of hope. Without the person, we must work on all issues and emotions that remain within us to release them into freedom. 

Second step is forgiveness. Allow karma to care for everything, while you focus on achieving pure freedom through forgiveness. Sometimes we must even forgive ourselves for giving-up on hope for example. You will have moments of what if I had tried longer. Say "No, Say I love and forgive myself. I did not give up hope entirely. No I simply change hope to a positive and realistic goal", repeat until you accept.

Third step keep clear the reason for the death of the relationship. Do not allow imagination to honey coat the person or relationship. This is how abuser keep us trapped in a relationship. When we are aware, honey cannot mask the bitter truth. 

Fourth step do not respond and remain silent. My father was a silent man when most were around. Alone together a whole different person. We talked for hours. One positive lesson my father taught me was his quite moments were a sign he did care for the person or situation. So, he choose to focus on other things. So, I have learned to remain still and silent when I do not care for someone or some situation. The relationship will die if we do not feed with a response.  

Fifth and final basic good start to end a unhealthy relationship is to allow time to pass. Time does not heal all things. However, time does allow the pain to not hurt so much. Some relationship we get over in a second. Now other relationship that are attached to a dream sometimes can take years to overcome. 

My father was clinically mad and depressed. He was abusive to himself, as well as others all his life. The one gift he gave me that stands among a slue of things I have learned is always see reality and not what I dream. My father said I would suffer less if I saw people for how he or she is and not what I wished. 

My father was correct. I had always wanted loving parents no matter the storms life brought. I let this dream cloud how my parents really felt about having the burden of a child. 

The final blow for me and my relationship with my mother is realizing I would take my father's physical abuse over my mothers emotional abuse even today if my father was alive. One thing my father came with a warning. He did not make me feel such as gutter trash as my mother. At best he gave me a reason to become stronger, wiser, more aware, and to always think. My father never wanted me to become the same as my mother. End in later years of  my father's life he hated me and thought I was the same as my mother. He was wrong then and now. I work simply to be myself. 

The number one reason we should end a relationship is when we can not be ourselves, as well as improving  at our pace naturally. True lasting change comes from within. Sometimes in order to discover our personal success in life requires removing all toxic relationships. 

Everyone path is different I spent the fist 44 years trying to please others. Now I am living to be the best me. Thanks for joining me. We will explore all kinds of things in life that can make life changes for the better or worse, such as removing toxic relationships that serve no longer serves a purpose in our lives.

Do you have a toxic relationship? Are you trapped in a cycle and do not know how to break free? Is the relationship escalated into stalking? Leave a comment. Tell me what is on your mind.

If a relationship is toxic to a point of violence, be sure to contact the proper authorities to seek protection and help. 

Self-defense classes is also a way to feel safe while ending a unhealthy relationship. 

There is stages that are similar to losing someone to death. There will be times you feel your heart will explode. You may feel as if you cannot breath. You even may hurt so deep simply due to the inner cries of false hope. 

One way to let go of a relationship is to recognized the purpose of the relationship, be grateful for the times that were healthy.Say good bye. I love you. 

As you see Letting go is at the start of everything. Embracing each moment regardless of the pain  deep within will bring you peace in the end. 

Thanks for leaving a comment and sharing. One person at a time makes a better place, together we make a better world. Free yourself to attract the positive people that are healthy and appreciate your for simply being you. 

Unconditional love is pure acceptance without control. If others cannot provide such love, gift yourself until the universe vibrates the people that do understand to love you without conditions. 

#changestartswithin  

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