|The pervert want the victim to feel he or she did something wrong. No means No|
Sunday, September 24, 2017
No means No, even if the pervert is a family member
Picture created by Eve Hoffman
No means no. For years I have said no to my stepfather. His physical sexual advances started when I was a young adult. From the moment we met he look at me in sick and wrongs ways that made my skin crawl. I was in my early 20's the first time I believe he touched my bum. Thankfully I had moved out of my mother's home prior to my mother meeting my stepfather when I was 15 years young. I had not lived with him as a teen, otherwise I am certain his advancements would had started earlier. I am now 44 years young and still dealing with the stepfather sexual advances.
For years my stepfather would simply touch my bum without words. I never knew when he was going to grab me. Today his new method include telling me verbally what he desires sexually of me, as well as the following, "your adult now, let me know if your interested" or "come on, just one hug". For the endless amount of times, "no, I am not interested!"
Alright, lets look at a bit of history that will set a clearer idea of why trust is a major issue. The stepfather has a history of abuse to himself and others. When I stayed with my mother for a short time when I was 17 years old my stepfather assaulted me over the curse word "Fuck"I said in which he did not like. My mother stood by watching my stepfather slap and punch me. After several hits, she finally pleaded for her new husband to stop. So with this moment in mind, took me years of saying no in many creative ways to finally realize I am not at fault. No matter what my mother believes, my stepfather grabbing my bum is not acceptable for any reason at any age.
For me the biggest issue is not the stepfather sexual advances, yet my mother's thinking I am at fault for the way I dress and talk. For years now I have endured the stress of my stepfather and keep saying no for the sake of the relationship with my mother. The sad aspect each year the stepfather becomes more bold and touches more body parts. Also, my relationship with my mother appears worse then better. No matter what I do in my mother's eyes, I am the one that is at fault.
Even at the age of 70 years young my stepfather lacks the concept of personal boundaries. So, never think age is a factor with sexual assaults. Sometimes the older perverts are overlooked. As you see with my stepfather's sexual assault does not have to include a working penis ( will explain further in the article). Also, my stepfather fails to understand not all fantasies should be revealed. Some thoughts and urges should be kept in secret and within the pervert's mind, or with his or her therapy with a certified doctor.
I have tried for years to be respectful for my mother. I even tried to tell my mother only to get my clothes changed when I come to visit. Now that I am direct, all my mother says is stay away from her husband. Yes, I do stay away from her husband. The only time I see my mother's husband is when I visit my mother. When my mother learns of the new rule of staying away from her home while she is still married to him, I hope she remember she said I was the problem.
All I have asked of my mother is to recognize the stepfather is at fault and her husband needs to stop the sexual advances. Also, she must realize the only private relationship with my stepfather and I is in his dreams and fantasies. For my mother I have not called the police. However, after learning about my stepfather touching my bum is an offense that he can go to jail in Texas I will. I did not want to bring harm to my mother is why I avoided the law. However, since I know from history, I do not have my mother's protection or support, I must do what is good for me and my family.
Funny when I was younger, I would wear pants and a shirts around my stepfather. He would ask for a hug when I first arrived and when I left my mother's home. Of course slipping his hands down the back of my pants for a feel of my bum. So, now I wear dresses. The stepfather just slides his hands down my bum. I try to get away fast to avoid the bum grab with a hug, I try for side hugs. Super awkward. The sad part is I can imagine him reaching under one of my dresses for a good feel one day. Thankfully this has not happen. In the state of Texas if he was to touch someone's genitals is consider a sexual felony. Not sure how I would react. Often times I freeze and blackout with hope the moment shall pass quickly.
So, I have decided for my own well being, I will meet my mother outside of her house in public places or at my home. We can meet at the park down the street from her house or the walking trail between our homes. I will meet her with my big boy Duke. We can go see a movie or meet to eat. We can even go shopping if she pleases. Now my mother is welcome to my house. No matter where we meet our visits will not be on a property in which my mother owns with my stepfather.
We could get rough with my stepfather to have him stop. I know plenty of people that are willing to teach my stepfather a lesson. I love them over teaching my stepfather anything. The sad part in some ways getting rough with the stepfather maybe a wake-up call that is much needed. However, I rather take the peaceful route by keep saying no, as well as avoiding the stepfather. If I am pushed, I will call the law. I will take my friends advice and stay away from my stepfathers property. Now if he sexually assaults me in public, I do have the right to defend myself by any means necessary. I have warned him personally and publicly with this post. I am no longer keeping his sick fantasies a secret. As I said, I will take my friends advice and avoid the stepfather for everyone's safety including mine.
What amazes me is the fantasy of having sex with his wife's daughter. Also, what shocks me is the constant nos do not stop him. I have stayed away for a few years at a time, even time does not help. If anything the stepfather touches more and begs more to have oral sex with me. The sad thing being nice is part of being respectful, not a open moment to sexually assault me.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, being touched in a unwanted sexual manner is an assault. Stand up and be brave. Say no loudly so all can hear. Above all, do not keep the assault secret in hopes to protect a loved one or the person will stop. Appears with perverts once a line is crossed there is no going back.
Also, the perverts desires the person he or she is assaulting to feel the actions are his or her fault. No matter the excuse, such as you smiled or wearing a sexy outfit, the sexual physical and verbal assaults are not your fault. Even if you wear something see through, the assault is not your fault. Moreover, even if your bum pops out of your outfit, the assault is not your fault. Furthermore, even if the whole entire body can be seen through the outfit, the sexual assault is not your fault.
Moreover, enjoying sex in a healthy manner is the spice of life. Sex is a healthy act that helps to maintain good health between two consenting adults. Now enduring unwanted sexual advances from a pervert is a nightmare, as well as unhealthy. Be careful not to allow anyone to blame you due to the fact you enjoy sexual activities.
One big lesson I learn is listening to how someone will deflect the blame on the victim reveals the person's true perspective and feeling of that person. Also, the lack of support and blame of responsibility as my mother has with me is another bad sign the person thinks negatively of you.
Even as heartbreaking a situation has become there comes a point when we must place ourselves first and sever all the relationship that place us in harms way. As I said to my mother "If I am the problem. I will be happy to remove myself out of the equation".
I am not sure what is worse the touching or the verbal sexual assaults. The stepfathers touches makes my skin crawl and creep. Matter of fact, I did not like him when I met him after my mother married him. The sad part they knew each other only for 30 days when they got married. My step father has a record of a sexual assault of touching a women's boob in public. Also, he has been know to touch his ex-wife's daughter. Another odd thing is a confessional my mother found stating he had a fantasy since I was a teen about having sex with me. Yet, despite all this, my mother still holds a percentage of blame towards me. She also gives her husband the excuse he is sick in his mind. What is interesting is the stepfather controls himself with strangers that are dress revealing. My mother has no say on how others dress. She also says that is different. My mother says if he did what he did to me to a stranger now that would be an sexual assault. I guess the only thing I can be lead to understand with that sick belief is it is not consider an assault since my mother and her husband believes I ask for his verbal and physical assaults by being me.
So, lets talk about the broken penis. What confuses me is my mother's husband as not had a working penis since the early part of their marriage due to drugs and health issues, yet she blames me for his sexual advances. Not that it matters much, yet for the record, I am not interested nor have I ever been interested, regardless if my mother's husband is functional or not. Peeing on himself due to his prostate removal just makes things more awkward and uncomfortable. As well is the stepfather promise to love and honor my mother. I have had a golden rule since I was a teen, never date or play with my mother's men or in the stepfathers case, sickos. Yuck, double dipping is not my thing and that is another disgusting thought.
So, despite the lack of support, be sure to say no to unwanted talk or behavior. If you are alone without support, if all else fails, call the police and let them get the right help for you. After the first no do not allow a pattern to develop.
Nothing is personal. Often times if we allow the person to get away with bad behaviors the behaviors will either escalate or the pervert will assault another person. I know calling the police is hard when there are loved ones involved. Trust me, sometimes outside help is a must.
Have you been sexually assaulted by a family member or a stranger? Did you report or did you feel the negative action was your fault? Did you know men can be sexually assaulted as well as a woman? Leave a comment. Tell me what is on your mind.
Never be ashamed of who you are. Always remember your are valuable and the sexual assault does not determine your worth. No Means No. Nothing is worth years of torment, not even the love of a mother. Of course, the love of a mother is broken if protection is not there regardless of age of the child. Yes, I may not be a child at this stage of life. However, I am a child of my mother's. She has a long history of not being there in times of need since I was a baby. I am not sure if healing of trust is possible. I do know for sure the recent talks with my mother reveals how my mother feels in regards to how I dress and my character in which damages the trust to a point of unseen healing.
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